Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
