First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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