I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
