My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
there's paper in my vomit.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
