I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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