I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
