Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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