Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
