your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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