he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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