Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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