Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
