I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
