I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
