I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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