how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
