I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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