Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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