we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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