I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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