matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
