I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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