We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize