Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Randomize
