1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize