Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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