I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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