Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
tell me about the eggs
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