Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
