She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The Olympian is in my bed
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
