Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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