They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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