I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
