you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
