mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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