I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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