I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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