some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
