Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
