i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
