she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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