i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
