you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
