it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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