official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
