You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
