His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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