so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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