Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
our cab driver is having phone sex.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Randomize
