i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
