Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize