i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
