I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
