My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
