i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
