I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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