If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
