batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize