I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I have fence marks all over my body
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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