I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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