His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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