And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize