the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
