does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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