someone get that fucking seahorse.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
