That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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