I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
