um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
